The Challenge

The past few weeks have been such a challenge for me.  My neurologist has wanted to adjust and readjust medications that I've been taking for the dystonia in my legs, and this has led to massive amounts of pain in my legs.  Not to mention, massive amounts of clenching in my jaw at night while I sleep.  Unfortunately, this led to the strain of the masseter muscle in my cheek, which is the muscle that chews your food and helps you talk, which are two of my favorite activities.

All of this pain has been causing me to reflect upon some things in my life.  First, soft food is not as much fun or as satiating as I thought they would orginally be.  There is only so much mashed potatoes, applesauce, yogurt, and pudding one can stand. And yes, I have tried mixing them together,  homemade applesauce and vanilla yogurt go good together, where as applesauce and  mashed potatoes do not.  Chocolate pudding and marinara aren't a blend I would recommend, either. Don't fool yourself into thinking you're becoming the next  gourmet chef when you're in that much pain.  Oh, and I also recommend taking the jaw splint out of your mouth before eating any soft foods.  It's not a pretty sight.  No one wants to see it. 

Second, I've been reflecting a lot on pain.  Pain has been a regular part of my daily routine for the past three years.  This pain has been cause by a neurological disorder called dystonia.
 Dystonia: - a neurological disorder, caused by disease of the basal ganglia, in which the muscles of the trunk, shoulders, and, neck go into spasm, so that the head and limbs are held in unnatural positions.
For me it means shaking my head "no" constantly and having spasming in my legs.  I have learned to laugh a lot over the last three years.  Sometimes, the only way I can get through a painful day is by laughing through it. I have a large family that likes to joke with me about this illness.  It helps us all get through the difficulties, and it helps us to bond as a family.  We had a discussion once about what it would look like if I ever got pulled over by a police officer.

Police officer: "Ma'am, can I see you're license and registration?"
Me: (Silently staring in terror at the police officer shaking my head, after all I've never been pulled over before.)
Police officer: "Ma'am, are you going to cooperate with me?"
Me: (Still silently staring in terror shaking my head violently.)
Police Officer: "Ma'am, do you have a medical condition?"
Me: (Tears welling up in my eyes.  Why won't my head shake "yes" every once in a while?)
Police Officer: "Ma'am I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the car"
Me: (Oh dear)

Last, but certainly not least, I've been reflecting on the most important thing in my life, Christ.  He overshadows the first two things that I've been mulling over in the past few weeks.  One of the things that I've been challenged to do is to look in the Bible for specific instances involving Jesus suffering and dealing with pain.  In Matthew 26: 36-46 Jesus is facing the cross and in deep distress about it.  He asks repeatedly that the cup of suffering be taken away, but says that He will do God's will no matter what.  He asks for His friends to keep vigil in the garden of Gethsemane and when He finds them asleep He wakes them up saying "Couldn't you watch with me even one hour?"  Jesus is one stressed out Savior.  I learned something very important from this passage.  It's okay to be real about pain.

I have a tendency to put on a smile, and say everything is fine when in all reality I'm struggling.  As I look at Christ's life and see the ways I want to be more like Him, I see that He expressed his pain and was open in his suffering.  This makes me feel closer to my Savior than I have ever felt before.  He can truly understand me.  He not only felt pain, but he was honest about His pain.  He didn't pretend it didn't exist, or put on a brave face like I do so often.  

For the first two years, I let this illness stop me in my tracks.  Then, The Lord did some great things in my life and now I've set my jaw (okay, no I'm not setting my jaw because that just hurts really bad), and I'm standing up and saying "yes" (while constantly shaking my head "no") to my Savior who always understands and is there for me. 

Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ and no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."